New Year, new hope…? – 2 January 2019

I left things on a bit of a low note last time. Not something I should do, really but in all honesty, I have not been able to come up with enough enthusiasm to do anything about it. I am now hopefully in the process of turning a corner … I did not cancel any of my appointments before Christmas and amazingly supportive husband rallied as you would expect him to. Not by pandering to my whining and moaning and being sympathetic but by ‘encouraging’ me to keep my appointments by responding with his special rapid-blinky eye stare thing (which scares me) when I suggested I was going to cancel things. And then by frog marching me to the gym, signing me up and by generally making me do stuff I didn’t want to do like swimming. Which was probably exactly what I needed.

So, Christmas was Christmas. Not terrible, not brilliant. Just kind of there…. I feel like it is something that happened to me rather than something I played an active role in. I hit an all time low in the weird limbo bit between Christmas and New Year when I was overwhelmed by feelings of despair and the general futility of existence. Why are we here? What is the point? Why is everything such a struggle? We’re all going to die anyway so why go through this pointless charade of an existence? blah blah etc

I think a lot of this is down to the fact that I am not happy at work. It’s not a terrible place to work (although having to endure the end of term staff panto was certainly a defining moment for me) and it’s not a terrible job but I am bored with it. I don’t have enthusiasm for it anymore. There is nothing worse than a teacher who doesn’t want to teach anymore. There are too many things that I don’t enjoy (ridiculous new initiatives that are poorly implemented, staff meetings, reports and parents evenings) that are overshadowing the things that I do enjoy (the teaching bit and the kids). With the exception of a small core of fabulous people I work with who I love to bits, most of the people I work with are negative, moan all the time (this is a common feature in teachers) and in some cases are just not very nice people. I don’t like people who aren’t nice. So I have made quite a big decision – I am going to resign and leave at the end of the academic year. This means that I will get paid up until the end of August which gives me 8 months to work out what the hell I am going to do next.

This decision has been a long time in the making and not one that I have taken lightly. I think I have found it quite a stressful process without realising it. Although I am impetuous by nature and prone to making quick (and sometimes unwise) decisions, I am also very risk averse. I have made a career change before when I left my corporate marketing role to go into teaching 13 years ago but there was a clear path. I saved up for 10 months while I was working to pay the mortgage while I studied. I completed my PGCE and got a teaching job. There was never any question of not getting a job because there are not enough teachers. My salary dropped by over 50% admittedly, but there was always going to be money coming in and lifestyle changes were made. This time there is no clear plan. But I am mostly OK with that, bar the occasional minor panic. Worst case scenario, I can get by on tutoring and supply work in the short term.

I feel as if I need to back myself into a corner in order to see what’s ahead and to be able to take advantage of opportunities as they arise. I have been living my life in 6 week chunks for the last 2 years, going back into school after the holidays thinking “Oh well, it’s only another 6 weeks until I am off again” and so the cycle continues…. I have to break the cycle and change things while I can.

There is also this nagging doubt of ‘what if I get ill and can’t work?’. There will be no safety net anymore. I am turning my back on the security of the job I am in now, statutory sick pay etc etc. But then surely that is letting my illness define me and what I do. Staying somewhere because it is ‘safe’ might be sensible but it is not me taking control of my life. So I am going to do it.

So, lots to think about and a busy day tomorrow… a 3 hour round trip to get an injection into my gum as part of the ongoing treatment to try and save my possibly dying tooth, oxygen therapy and a physio session… Tomorrow will be spent mostly in the car but I do have drinks with the nice people I work with at the end of it to look forward to :). I need to squeeze in a quick blood test at some point too as I am now back on monthly blood monitoring to check my white cell count… I was advised to decrease the dose which I started doing about 2 weeks ago so fingers crossed…

2019 will see me continuing to pursue opportunities for me to improve my situation health-wise. Once my new teeth are back in and I have been given the all clear by Dr Helena, I can repeat the poo treatment (a shorter course this time) and see where we go from there…